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Upon entry into PNC Park last week, I could not help but notice the ginormous consoles dedicated to the MLB All-Star teams and their ballots. Considering my status as a young fan, I felt that it was my duty to grab a fistful of these ballots and punch them out (using a car key, of course). Only after about three efforts at an All-Star team did I realize that I was not voting for the right players at all. No, I was voting for the best players, but these guys were not the true All-Stars. The true All-Stars of the game are the guys who draw the most attention to the game, the guys who allegedly use steroids, various other drugs, commit various crimes, and make idiotic comments. Therefore, with no further ado, let me introduce you to the 2007 rendition of the American League All-Steroid (Mostly) All-Star teams.

American League:

1B: David Ortiz – Jason Giambi qualified for this spot, but picking him would be a little too obvious. Ortiz is a fantastic baseball player, but he believes he used some type of performance enhancer sometime in the past (he swears he didn’t mean to!), like when he was a teenager. So next time you are at a Latin American baseball academy and they try to feed you “candy,” don’t believe it!

2B: Luis Castillo – One of the toughest spots on the ballot basically because they guys are all so young (I almost put BJ Upton in solely on the merits of his first name). Castillo was one of the few around during the steroid era and, well, his name is…Luis Castillo.

SS: Miguel Tejada – One of the easier choices, as the guy has gone from an MVP who blasted above or at 30 homeruns every year to one who stays around 25. He has had two monster seasons, 2002 (.308, 34, 131) and 2004 (.311, 34, 150). The man has been implicated by Rafael Palmeiro and Jason Grimsley. There is practically no question of his guilt (if you don’t believe me, check this out).

3B: Adrian Beltre – The guy came up at a ridiculously young age, had one monster year after showing hints of talent, and has been an interesting yet under-performing player ever since. For example, in 2004 he hit .334 with 48 HR and 121 RBIs. In his entire career before that he averaged .265, 18 HR, 73 RBIs. In the year immediately after that he hit .255 with 19 HR. If he isn’t guilty of ‘roiding (I’d lean toward saying he is), he is certainly guilty of lack of interest in any non-contract year or, in layman’s speak, he is a Scott Boras client.

C: Jason Kendall – Giving some love to a former Pirate . .. because hitting .198 with one two homeruns in the last three years won’t get him any from Oakland fans.

RF: Sammy Sosa – No hablo ingles. No hablo ingles. Did Sammy Sosa take a year off to relearn hitting or English? I’m thinking the latter, considering how much he forgot while appearing in front of Congress. If it was baseball, though, he apparently did not learn how to hit for average as his average is hovering right around .250, where it was when Chicago let him go but significantly better than it was during his short-lived stint in Balitmore (.221). Sosa is simply hanging on for his 600th homerun, but it would just be entertaining to see him try to play right field again. If I were Tony LaRussa managing the All-Star Game and Sosa trotted out there, I would encourage my players to simply dump the ball into RF and see what Sosa could do with it. It would be very entertaining, at the least. Plus, look at the size of his forehead.

LF: Gary Sheffield – The slugger might not be guilty of steroids, but he did spend most of last season on the disabled list. Also, it would be really fun to see him play LF across from Sosa and behind Tejada/Beltre simply because of his recent comments. If every Latin American player snubbed Dwight Gooden’s nephew, it would be interesting to see what his reaction would be. I’m thinking he would immediately call GQ up and say that there were more Latin Americans because they are more controversial than Gary Sheffield is (and he would speak in the third person, of course) and are, therefore, more popular amongst owners.

CF: Gary Matthews – Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, something Californians should know about. Even though Matthews has never been implicated, it’s hard to explain his sudden spike in numbers last year. Combined with his allegedly being sent HGH in 2004, questions have been asked and will more than likely continue to be asked about this journeyman’s sudden ascendancy to $50 million man.

P: Roger Clemens – Like Matthews, Clemens has never been indicted, but more than a few questions have been asked about the legality of his performance, especially later in his career. The fact that no other pitcher has had success as late as Clemens has forces these questions into the open. I doubt, however, that it’s steroids. Clemens is pitching for the Evil Empire. I’m thinking that George Steinbrenner bought him a bionic arm…

The next installment (the National League, of course) should be appearing soon so that we can stuff the ballots and make the All-Star Game more entertaining than it is. Or maybe we’ll just get another tie…

(Note: We do not know that any of these players have ever used steroids or are currently on steroids. This post is satire. Please don’t hurt me…)

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