Monday, July 2nd, 2007 by Adam Wagner
All-Steroid NL All-Star Team
This is a little bit late, considering that the teams were announced today, but this is the National League’s rendition of the All-Steroid All-Star Team (for the American League rendition, go Here). Remember, this is not only steroids and we don’t know for sure that any of these guys DID use steroids (but we have our suspicions). We also included guys for controversy or ability to just make things interesting. So, with no further ado, here we go:
C: Michael Barrett - This one was tricky, as Paul Lo Duca (who the Mets apparently want to replace with Ronny Pauli
no) was also eligible for this position. So the question really is, potential racist or potential UFC punching bag. The answer is easy enough. Any time a pitcher is traded for having confrontations with two of his five starting pitchers, it would clearly be enjoyable to see him catch many different pitchers in one night. Who knows, maybe Barrett would have to catch Zambrano again (assuming Big Z wins the idiotic final vote). Or maybe he would be slammed into a locker by Ben Sheets, therefore injuring himself and blowing Sheets’ arm up again. Plus, after suffering an “intrascrotal hematoma”, he needs all the testosterone he can get.
1B: Dmitri Young - There need to be a couple of feel-good stories on here, but they’re not going to come without some ripping. If this were the real NL starting lineup, it would
probably begin the game with an all-out brawl, as Young was accused of assault of his then-girlfriend and has also had alcohol problems, leading to his being released by the AL champion Tigers seemingly at random in the middle of last year. Prior to this season, this guy was trouble meaning that he definitely deserves a place on this list. He has, however, been enough of a feel-good story that I feel guilty about it. Oh well, he’s still Delmon’s brother, meaning that I can post this clip, and proving a bit of craziness in the family.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=wQk0w2E0kf8[/youtube]
2B: Jeff Kent - This selection was not very difficult, not only because his stats have
significantly declined as he has aged (or maybe it was the ‘roids), but because Kent has been surrounded by controversy throughout his career. As Wikipedia will surely be glad to tell you, Kent’s first problems occurred when he broke his wrist doing wheelies on his motorcycle during spring training. The NL team could have him enter on a motorcycle in a high-speed chase with Kellen Winslow (who would be 
yelling, “You are NOT A SOLDIER!” the entire time). Also, Kent has been accused of racism by both Barry Bonds and Milton Bradley, so it would be entertaining to see him on the field with at least one of the two again and to see how they interacted in the dugout, especially with that dugout being located in San Francisco. Lastly, Kent insists that teammates refer to him as the Lone Ranger. How lame is that? He couldn’t be called Tonto? At least then he’d get to yell, “HIGH HO SILVER!” and he would never be labeled racist by anyone, as his nickname would be that of an extremely popular minority figure in pop-culture.
SS: David Eckstein - The reigning World Series MVP has an awesome pre-bat ritual, never says die, likes the rally monkey, and likes to save his money. He also likes taller
women (well, that’s not hard when you’re 5′7). He is not on this list because of any on-field accomplishments, however, as he is simply one of the scrappiest players on the diamond every time out. No, he is on the list because he appeared in the god-awful TV series She Spies, along with Scott Spezio and Adam Kennedy. If you watch the clip, it will strike you that all three were Angels at the time and all three are now Cardinals. You do, however, have to watch the clip. Needless to say, the three baseball players should definitely stick with0 their day jobs.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=uh-WIUGKk98[/youtube]
3B: David Wright - This spot was very hard simply because the obvious choice is Aramis Ramirez, but he’s just fat and his name still brings pain to me as a Pirate fan. The 
OF: Barry Bonds - Come on, this one is too easy. With that said, he does deserve his spot,
he probably did use steroids, he is a total jerk, but he’s also one of the best players of all time. I can’t believe I typed that. I’m gonna go live in the Fort Pitt tunnel for six months now to regain my identity as a Pirate fan. Actually, I can do that just by saying a few simple words: huge forehead, nasty disposition, backne, Game of Shadows, all the evidence in the world, and he more than likely definitely used steroids. There. Are yinz happy now?
OF: Brian Giles - He is not on here because I think he used steroids (necessarily), but instead for various reasons. First of all, the man shaves his body hair, which is public 
knowledge so I don’t feel too wrong for knowing it. Second of all, when Jack Wilson arrived in the big leagues Giles reportedly told him, “Welcome to Hell.” He had no idea how right he was, but with that statement he solidified himself as a huge prettyboy (as if the body shaving wasn’t enough) jerk. Third of all, Giles . . . well, you read the article. Suffice to say, Kevin Towers stated, after signing Giles’ little brother Marcus, “One Giles is enough. I’m not sure if I can handle two of them.”
OF: Andruw Jones - Jones gets the nod here simply because he has single-handedly disproved the contract year theory this year. Prior to Jones, it was believed that a player
traditionally performed the best in the final year of his contract, particularly if his agent is Scott Boras (see Beltre, Adrian). Jones, however, has had one of the worst seasons of any major leaguer this year at the plate, as he has been constantly battling with the Mendoza line. Jones’ story is just too bizarre to ignore and his presence would ensure Scott Boras running onto the field (wearing a World Series Game 9 t-shirt, more than likely) and trying to talk some sense into the formerly star CF. That would be too much fun to pass up . . .
Honorable mention: Overall, Ronnie Belliard just because his dreads are awesome, and Josh Hamilton because of his past problems (even though he gets mad props for overcoming them and the same apology I gave to Dmitri Young).
SP: Carlos Zambrano - Just because he is huge, smashed Michael Barret’s head into a wall,
developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from too much “e-mailing”, and has the talent to be the best pitcher in baseball. Suffice to say, the guy is a total headcase. And because he looks like an adult entertainer from the 80s in his official picture (just look at that mustache). Oh, and Michael Barrett would get to catch him again. I think that a lot of fastballs would be thrown, as Barrett would be putting down one finger (guess which one) for at least an inning.
And that’s a wrap. All in all, I think that the All-Star teams we put together would be infinitely more enjoyable to watch than the real ones, but there is more on the All-Star game to come very soon.
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