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With three weeks to go until his 20th birthday, Sidney Crosby has accomplished more in life than just about anyone reading this article ever will. Not only is he the youngest player to ever win a scoring title in any sport, but he is also the most eligible bachelor in Pittsburgh (or Canada). In the next decade, he is predicted to surpass Wayne Gretzy, Mario Lemiuex (his landlord), and Jesus Christ (at least in the minds of hockey fans). I managed to catch up with him* and follow the daily routine of a teenager who is now worth more than $43.5 million.

*not really…stalk is a better word

6:30 AM – Wakeup and cold shower.

6:45 AM – Breakfast of a dozen raw eggs mixed with maple syrup (its a Canadian thing)

7:00 AM – 1000 sit-ups, a five mile skate, and then Evgeni Malkin chasing him after Sid calls the Russian “big horse”

10:00 AM – Meets with Ray Shero and Michel Therrien to pick each of his linemates for the next five years. Ryan Malone: out. Jarome [Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis] Iginla: in

11:30 AM – Completes a three-way trade with Calgary and Tampa Bay that sends the Penguins’ next five years of draft picks to the Flames and the entire Wilkes-Barre Baby Penguins organization to the Lightning in exchange for Iginla and Vincent Lecavalier.

11:35 AM – Arranges to sell Mellon Arena to some shady characters in order to pay Iginla’s and Lecavalier’s salaries.

12:00 PM – Exhausted, heads to the Strip District to try to pick up some girls. After being roughed up by every girl he hits on, retreats into a diner. Leaves after his waitress greets him with, “Here we go Steelers!”

12:30 PM – Reconsiders and drives to South Hills Village, where there are plenty of girls who would love to be spoiled by his wealth

12:45 PM – Walks into Abercrombie; flashes some cash
12:46 PM – Walks out of Abercrombie; a girl on each arm

12:50 PM – Girls ask him his name and if he’s really the quarterback.

1:00 PM – Alone, he goes to the site of the new arena to plan where the statue of him will be built in 35 years.

2:00 PM – Depressed, eats a late lunch at Primanti’s, where everyone knows him

2:30 PM – Feeling much happier, meets with Ray Shero again and plots how to get Marc-Andre Fleury to sign a contract extension. They agree to include a clause that allows a new, fluorescent set of pads for each game of the year, including special tie-dye pads for 4/20.

3:00 PM – Hangs out in the Igloo’s bubble hockey lounge. Names his center ‘Mini Me’ and his wingers “Gordie and Maurice” after the center successfully makes fifteen consecutive assists.

4:00 PM – After destroying some poor kid 87-0, Crosby makes one last desperate attempt to get a hot date for the night.

5:00 PM – Finally finds a girl who bites on the “I’ve won the Stanley Cup of tonsil hockey” line.

5:30 PM – Picks up Jordan Staal as his wingman. He knows he can’t score unassisted.

6:00 PM – Goes to Margarita Mama’s for happy hour. Carded.

7:00 PM – Tries to go club hopping. Krobar: Carded. Matrix: Carded. Tequila Willies: Carded. Won’t anyone cut this kid some slack, or at least give him a fake I.D.?

8:00 PM – Gives up on being cool. Resorts to Club Zoo, Pittsburgh’s hottest 15-21 club.

11:30 PM – After partying for a few hours with DJ Goofy Whitekid, Crosby calls it a night.

12:15 AM – Crosby tries to take the girl back to his house, but Mario is waiting at the door. What a cockblock.

This is satire. I’m sure Mario is a cool roommate and Sid isn’t really that desperate. But I am serious about South Hills girls…

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