Be Like Tike

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The Steelers named a mascot on Wednesday for the first time since Stevie Steeler was retired in the mid-90’s. Steeler Nation is both upset and bewildered at this idiotic new mascot, who has been unfortunately christened with Steely McBeam in order to somehow honor Pittsburgh’s heritage as a steel town. Here are some other potential names for this unfortunate character (after the jump):

General Braddock - This one honors Pittsburgh’s history as the site of one of the biggest blunders in British military history, as Braddock stubbornly employed classic British strategies in being thrashed by the French and Indian army and subsequently killed. The death of Braddock gave a young George Washington the necessary experience. So, we can say that it would be comparable to Bill Cowher’s last season as coach of the Steelers, where he stubbornly attempted to manage his team with the same tactics that he had the year before, leading to a wasted season and the rise of new Steeler coach Mike Tomlin. Okay, that’s wishful thinking.

Bill Cowher - The mascot bears a striking resemblance to the Steeler coach, and it would just be a way of keeping the recent glory years in the minds of fans. Of course, it’s difficult to root for someone with a jaw that square, but Steeler fans have done it before. Maybe they could even convince Bill Cowher to come back and do some guest appearances in the suit. Unless Daniel Snyder wants to pay the ex-coach more to, you know, sit in his luxury suite and discuss “the game”.

Shoeless Ike - In order to pay homage to highly paid defensive back “Shoeless” Ike Taylor, the team should have named the mascot after a player that every fan knows and loves. Ike used to be a favorite of Dan Rooney, as the two always seemed to be together after crucial moments during the Super Bowl run two years ago. A mascot with a 24 jersey, not wearing shoes, sprinting up and down the aisles showing “great athletic ability,” and effectively pretending to understand the directions people are giving him would be much more enjoyable than some guy that represents Pittsburgh’s history.

The Jolly Yellow Giant - Because everybody loves their vegetables . . . but squash and corn don’t go over quite as well as broccoli, green beans, and other nutritious green vegetables. And who doesn’t love a blatantly obvious public service announcement?

Alan Faneca - Why not? If they were able to pay the lineman to be both the left guard and the mascot, it would be a lower cap hit. Faneca could ride out in his Harley before every game and talk up the fans after the game in order to “effectively perform” both duties.

Sally Wiggin - This one’s only here because the anchor of the local ABC affiliate already serves as the mascot, constantly doing human interest stories about the Steelers that no one really cares about. Apparently she thinks that Pittsburgh is either that boring or she thinks the Steelers are that interesting.

Ronnie Florian (props to Mondesi’s House for the pic) - This man has been the single best mascot of any Pittsburgh sports team. If we stuck him in the front row of a football game, he would definitely get national TV time. Jim Nantz would see him sitting there, drinking his Iron City or Hard Mike’s, and say, “Now there’s a Pittsburgher. That man is obviously a resident of Pittsburgh. Look at that mentality.”

And who could be a better mascot than a real Pittsburgher? That is, if you pay tohave some idiot in a huge costume constantly obstruct your view, instead of seeing the game. (here’s looking at you, Jolly Roger).

Of course, if it leads to cheerleaders, I’m all for it . . .

As a Steeler fan, I’m kidding when I say that, and not just because I’m used to seeing Pittsburgh women by now.

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