Tuesday, September 4th, 2007 by Adam Wagner
Who Could the CEO Be?
A ton of attention is being paid to the pivotal decision that Pirate ownership will make when it hires the next CEO of the franchise. Yes, this person will have an epic amount of control over both the on- and off-field product that the Pirates will put out over the next five to ten, and hopefully longer than that, years. But no, that does not mean we need to take the decision seriously yet, as the Nuttings probably aren’t either. With that said, let’s knock off some of the most obvious candidates:
Jerome Bettis – Yeah, he writes books that reveal how he exploits injuries to avoid being cut by the cheapest people in Pittsburgh, and yeah, he doesn’t know anything about football. But if the Pirates ever get into a brawl, The Bus would simply need to stand on the field to scare the other team away.
Bill Cowher – The Jaw would be interesting in a front office role, but I can’t see him happily dealing with underachievers. The locker room would need a constant tarp in it from the spit that Cowher would unleash during his daily tirades, but the Nuttings would be too cheap to pay for the tarp. One of Pittsburgh’s icons will, therefore, not be returning. Besides, he really likes golf.
Mark Cuban – The Mt. Lebanon graduate has local connections (we all know how much the Pirates love those . . . the Don Kelly experiment still hasn’t officially ended) and has an interest in baseball. The only issue is that Ian Snell might go insane if some nutcase was hopping up and down behind home plate while he was trying to pitch. And we don’t need any more insanity from Snell. Also, Cuban would not be able to spend his own money, which would be a problem.
Dan Duquette – Wait, that was a joke, right?
Craig Patrick – He can bring his lucky clover to Federal Street and attempt to turn the franchise around only to be deemed a failure after one year (not a day, because the Nuttings would have to pay him for doing nothing then) and a legitimate candidate could be hired. Also, teams always become playoff contenders immediately after Patrick leaves/is fired.
Now, some of the more difficult candidates:
James Andrews – Pirates’ pitchers appear to really enjoy heading to Alabama for operations from this renowned sports surgeon. Why not bring him to Pittsburgh and expedite the process? The Nuttings would be happy because it would save them plane fares for their pitchers. And because Andrews running a baseball team would make the McClatchy/Littlefield regime look intelligent.
Jim Leyland – This would never happen, if only because there is now a smoking ban at PNC Park due to an Allegheny County ordinance, meaning that Leyland could not change the rules. Keep in mind, also, that his success with the Tigers came from Mike Ilitch spending money, something the Nuttings would be unwilling to do. If Leyland took this job, he would age five years at the press conference to announce his hiring.
Luke Ravenstahl – The youngest mayor in America could gain more on-the-job experience in crisis management by becoming CEO than by holding his current position, even if he does work in Pittsburgh. Ravenstahl could become the next cross-sport star, as the former kicker at Washington and Jefferson would be interesting in a role running a baseball team. And Jim Tracy could become his speech writer.
And there it is. Let’s just hope that the Nuttings’ list doesn’t look like this one, because the Pirates would become even more of a laughingstock than they were at the 2003 Rule V draft, when teams started laughing aloud at their misfortune.
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