Be Like Tike

Sunday, September 30th, 2007 by Adam Wagner

The Gilbert Hall of Fame for Athletes no matter what you did

Gilbert Arenas is insulted that Marc Ecko is planning on making Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball his own personal art statement, enough that he wants to buy the ball from Ecko for $800,000 and put it in “The Gilbert Hall of Fame for Athletes no matter what you did,” at least until Bonds is proven guilty. The question, however, is what else is in Gilbert Arenas’ Hall of Fame? And why? We all know that Arenas is one of the most bizarre, lovable players in basketball from donating $100 to DC area schools for each point he scores at home to making a free agency decision between the Washington Wizards and Los Angeles Clippers by flipping a coin. But what does the man, the myth, the legend really covet?

Exhibit A: The Barry Bonds 756th home run ball (if he can buy it)
The cornerstone exhibit in the Hall, Arenas wants to buy the ball to preserve its place in history. Not because it was a great accomplishment by another egomaniac athlete or because he can brand “Hibachi” into it instead of an asterisk, but because he legitimately respects history.
Exhibit B: Noel Devine’s grills from his first game at WVU
According to the Post-Gazette, Devine wore bright yellow grills (gold-plated braces for you other extremely white people out there) for his first college game. Arenas decided that watching YouTube clips of the back wasn’t a sufficient manner of expressing his admiration and he didn’t want to pull a Deion Sanders and adopt the kid, so he offered a good amount of money for the grills. Arenas was quoted as saying, “I’ll definitely wear them at my next birthday party.”
Exhibit C: Craig Bellamy’s golf club
It was actually a decent-sized story when Bellamy attacked Liverpool teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club this February prior to a Champions League match against Barcelona. Gilbert wishes he had done this to Larry Hughes a few times, because if he had LeBron would have an even weaker supporting cast in Cleveland.
Exhibit D: Jeff Reed’s camera phone
Reed really should regret taking cell phone pictures of himself. Gilbert, however, enjoys a hearty chuckle whenever he sees the Motorola Razr that Reed used to take, well, pretty much one of the most embarrassing pictures of a kicker ever (outside of Gero Yepremien trying to fling a pass).
Exhibit E: Four of Travis Henry’s nine baby carriages
Arenas understands how to help a brother out, so when he heard that Travis Henry was having problems supporting all nine of his children he stepped in and offered $15,000 apiece for any of Henry’s baby carriages. Unfortunately, only four of the nine could be located. And by that I mean mothers, not baby carriages.
Exhibit F: Chris Simon’s stick
After seeing Simon’s attack on Rangers’ forward Ryan Hollweg in March, Arenas decided that a player hitting another player with a golf club wasn’t sufficient and that he could use a player going nuts and hitting another player with a stick instead. The stick was not hard to find as Gary Bettman was willing to hand it over in return for a mention in one of Arenas’ post-game press conferences on ESPN, the first the NHL received on the network in the past three years.
Exhibit G: Chris Moneymaker’s sunglasses
Arenas, an avid amateur poker player, thoroughly enjoyed Moneymaker’s run at the World Series of Poker. He has been seen wearing Moneymaker’s sunglasses while playing online poker at halftime, occasionally muttering “Hibachi . . . Hibachi” after a well-played hand.
Exhibit H: Kobe Bryant’s Apology Ring
After the Colorado rape trial, Bryant admitted to being unfaithful. He bought wife Vanessa a $4 million, eight-carat, purple diamond ring in order to prove that he still loved her. Vanessa, upset that Kobe wanted to leave LA for Chicago, put the ring on Craig’s List this summer, a site that Gilbert happens to frequent. Gilbert saw the ring and a chance to strike back at sometime nemesis Kobe, stating, “Who says I don’t have a conscience?” as he clicked the purchase button.
Exhibit I: Scott Boras’ ATM Number
Gilbert is simply annoyed that the superagent hasn’t started his basketball agency yet, so he instead had DeShawn Stevenson (officially Gilbert’s manservant after the famous three-point contest) snatch Boras’ ATM number. With free agents like Andruw Jones and, potentially, Alex Rodriguez due to hit the market Arenas is ready to sign his extension with the Wizards at under market value and earn his true money the American way: by stealing it from Boras.
Exhibit J: Pacman Jones’ Cadillac
Perhaps the easiest on the list to purchase, Gilbert simply needed to win an auction to bring the car into his fold ($48,500 won it). Arenas was heard saying, “Pacman? No one makes it rain like Gilbert.”
Exhibit K: A Box of Michael Jordan’s Cigars
After signing with the Wizards as a free agent, Arenas sent Jordan a note saying, “I really really loved Space Jam. I realize that I wouldn’t be a Wizard if you hadn’t messed up the franchise this badly. Can you please convince them to return to the Bullets nickname and jerseys? Those are so awesome.” Arenas received a box of Jordan’s trademark stogies and a note saying, “You are so screwed. Punch the owner and the coach for me” in the mail four days later. He has vowed to never smoke the cigars until he is finally able to make a running jumper with his tongue sticking out.
Exhibit L: Terrell Owens’ Sharpie
The use of this sharpie signaled the beginning of all of TO’s problems, from the botched trade to Baltimore and then Philadelphia to his issues with the Eagles to his inability to take pain medication properly to his inability to hire an intelligent publicist to his inability to hire an agent capable of saying anything other than “Next question, please.” Arenas could not resist the opportunity to possess this sharpie and has taken to practicing hitting game-winning threes and running over to the stands to sign the ball with it. The only difference between Gilbert and TO is that the basketball player tries to find the most attractive female in the near vicinity (not that there are many at practices) while TO tried to find his publicist.

Arenas clearly enjoys some of the, ahem, more bizarre items from recent sports history, but he is always looking for new stuff. After all, there are always athletes messing up out there and there is always a Gilbert Arenas waiting to chuckle at their mistakes before screaming “Hibachi!” or taking a shower in his uniform at half time and then playing the next half in that same uniform.

Leave your own suggestions and they might just show up in part two coming out soon!

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