Thursday, February 28th, 2008 by Adam Wagner
How the Marian Hossa trade really happened
Ray Shero, the general manager of the Pittsburgh Penguins, had a very good but very busy Tuesday, making two trades that nobody saw coming and vaulting his team into the favorite spot for winner of the Eastern Conference. It went something like this:
12:05 a.m. - Shero paces around Mellon Arena, begging the hockey gods to give his team a shot at the Stanley Cup this season. He sees a figure turn the corner ahead of him, gets creeped out, and sprints to his office.
12:30 a.m. - Shero is hiding behind the door when it peeks open. The general manager leaps out, ready to bash whoever is there over the head with a hockey stick only to see the towering figure of Mario Lemieux standing there. Shero promptly drops the hockey stick and begins to sputter an apology. Lemieux hushes him and sit him down.
12:35 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. - Lemieux explains to Shero that due to his status as a living god of hockey he can make a star winger available to the Penguins, but Shero will have to upset his teenage daughter to make the trade. Shero refuses to believe Mario until Lemieux says, “What, you think it was coincidence that you left Nashville before Jim Balsillie tried to buy that team?” Lemieux disappears, leaving a slip of paper that says, “If you build it, he will come” on his chair. Shero seriously considers calling Isle of Capri and asking them to build a riverboat casino until he turns the paper over and sees the words “JUST KIDDING” in capital letters on the back.
2:45 a.m. - Shero, a little bit weirded out by his meeting with Lemieux, turns on the 
television only to find all 150 channels being dominated by infomercials for BowFlex, Chia Pets, or Guys Gone Wild. Shero, disappointed that there wasn’t even a commercial for Girls Gone Wild on, calls Evgeni Malkin and tries to ask him what he thinks about the BowFlex. Malkin, not understanding what Shero is ranting about, mumbles, “No English” and hangs up the phone. Shero responds by ordering 50 Chia Pets, to be placed around Malkin’s locker and tended to exclusively by the star center.
3:30 a.m. - Brian Burke, Anaheim’s GM, calls Shero and asks if he’s interested in trading Crosby. Anaheim did, after all, come in second in the lottery that year. Shero tries to hang up the phone, but Burke keeps calling him back. Shero tells Burke that he would need to speak with Mario to make a deal of such magnitude. Burke, eager for the deal to occur, asks for Lemieux’s home number, but Shero gives him the number of Edmonton GM Kevin Lowe, who Burke refuses to deal with, instead.
3:45 a.m. - Burke calls back, infuriated, accusing Shero of not wanting to trade Crosby.
Shero responds by playing the Spice Girls into the phone until Burke finally hangs up.
3:57 a.m. - Shero, in a sudden fit of inspiration, calls Burke back and asks if he would consider taking Dany Sabourin as a throw-in with Crosby. Burke responds by laughing out loud and saying, “Dany Sabourin?! Who wants Dany Sabourin? I don’t care if he is being traded with the best player in the world. He could keep us out of the playoffs all by himself.”
4:25 a.m. - The general manager is becoming very bored very fast. He goes to the radio 
and turns on B94 just in time to hear Akon’s remake of “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin,’” quickly followed by Lupe Fiasco’s “Superstar.” Shero, who is very aware that he is the only person in Mellon Arena, signs two photographs with Sidney Crosby’s name and leaves them in the locker that Ilya Kovalchuk will be using when the Thrashers visit the Penguins on Sunday. “One for you and one for your sister” is written on the one addressed to Ilya.
5:10 a.m. - Shero, done with this little mission, seriously contemplates practicing figure skating. He is, however, deterred after realizing that he can have the same experience and not wear spandex by watching the “What Would Brian Boitano Do” segment of The South Park Movie repetitively. After making popcorn, Shero relaxes on a comfortable couch and watches.
5:35 a.m. - Shero’s phone rings. He picks up and hears his wife screaming into the phone, wondering where he has been all night. Coming up with a quick response, Shero almost says, “Mario needed me to be here,” but quickly realizing that that answer would only upset her more, he instead responds, “Something involving Sidney.”
5:42 a.m. - After being yelled at for seven more minutes, Shero offers to buy the whole family donuts for that morning. Mrs. Shero is suddenly in a much better mood.
6:30 a.m. - Making his first important decision of the day, Shero chooses Krispy Kreme over Dunkin’ Doughnuts and leaves Mellon Arena to make his donut run.
6:50 a.m. - While standing in line at Giant Eagle holding a box of Krispy Kreme glazed
donuts, Shero receives a call and almost drops the box trying to answer it. Toronto GM Cliff Ferguson is on the other end of the line, wondering whether Shero has any interest in Hal Gill. Shero actually does drop the box this time and, distracted by the mess at his feet, tells Ferguson, “Sure, whatever you want. Just not Crosby or Malkin.” Ferguson takes Shero seriously and asks for a second and a fifth round pick, something that the Penguins’ GM agrees to without really listening.
6:58 a.m. - As Shero is leaving the store, a clerk asks, “Did you really just trade a second and a fifth round pick for Hal Gill?” Shero thinks for a moment, mutters, “Crap, I forgot to convince him to take Sabourin,” and storms out of the store paying for neither the box of donuts he is carrying nor the one that he spilled.
7:10 a.m. - Shero tries to explain to his scouting staff why he had to make the trade, saying something along the lines of, “There were donuts on the ground . . . and . . . to be honest with you, I don’t really know. Who did we get again?”
7:40 a.m. - Shero asks Cliff Ferguson to wait a while before announcing the trade.
Ferguson, still in disbelief that he was able to make a trade involving someone that doesn’t have a no-trade clause in his contract, agrees to wait until midday to announce it.
7:46 a.m. - Brooks Orpik’s agent is on the phone, wondering why the Penguins just traded for a bigger version of Orpik.
7:55 a.m. - Shero arrives at his house and gives his family the donuts (rush hour traffic was further impaired by the snowy conditions), leaving quickly before they can ask him too many questions about his job.
8:30 a.m. - Back at Mellon Arena, Shero realizes that he has 55 missed calls in his office. He begins returning calls.
8:31 a.m. - “No, I am not interested in trading Evgeni Malkin to the Flyers.”
8:32 a.m. - “Malkin to the Stars? Don’t you have a line on Brad Richards?”
8:33 a.m. - “No, seriously, I will pay you a year of my salary to take Dany Sabourin . . . You still don’t want him? You want Conklin instead? Are you kidding me?”
8:37 a.m. - “I can’t trade Colby, sorry. My wife and daughter would kill me.”
8:43 a.m. - “Don Cherry, why did you call me? You hate Sidney Crosby and Pittsburgh hates you . . . No, we will not be doing anything major today . . . Well Cliff Ferguson was lying to you.”
9:00 a.m. - Shero, furious that Ferguson told Cherry that they had a move, calls
Ferguson and threatens to renege on the trade. Ferguson plays the “a fourth of my team won’t let me trade them” card and Shero relents, allowing the trade to go through.
9:18 a.m. - Ottawa’s GM, Bryan Murray, calls. Shero asks him about Ottawa’s potential move for Marian Hossa and Murray responds by saying that Ottawa can’t afford what Atlanta is asking and tells Shero that he should call Atlanta.
9:25 a.m. - Shero calls Don Waddell, Atlanta’s GM, but the line is busy.
9:30 a.m. - Frustrated that no one is offering the Penguins any realistic deals, Shero challenges Penguin radio voice Mike Lange to a weight-lifting challenge. Lange is quick to accept, yelling, “Get into the fast lane, Grandma, the bingo game is about to roll!” Shero, mildly confused, decides to go ahead with the challenge even though Lange is in full announcer persona.
9:46 a.m. - After benching 210 pounds to Lange’s 190, Shero mutters, “Scratch my back with a hacksaw.” Lange flies into a rage, furious that Shero stole his line, and begins chasing him around Mellon Arena.
9:55 a.m. - Shero, realizing that Lange is not going to stop, hijacks one of the remote control blimps that the Penguins use for promotions and uses it to hoist Lange into midair, holding the announcer there until he has calmed down.
10:10 a.m. - Back on good terms with the entire announcing team, Shero chooses to relax for a little while, tuning into the local showing of Dr. Phil. The show is about how drastic changes can affect people’s lives and features a 16-year-old boy who was the inspiration for the song “Hot Topic is not Punk Rock” as well as his transvestite sister. Shero is fascinated by this and just sits in front of the TV for the next 50 minutes.
11:01 a.m. - Trying to get the show out of his mind, Shero tries to call Waddell again. He gets Waddell’s secretary who tells him that, “Don has been on the line with [Canadians' GM] Bob Gainey all morning.” Shero, infuriated that he may have been beaten to the punch, resigns himself to watching the Price is Right for the next hour.
11:25 a.m. - Shero thinks that Drew Carey and the recently acquired Hal Gill would
make an excellent defensive pairing. He immediately tries to call Carey’s agent to organize a tryout.
11:59 a.m. - After guessing more than $15,000 over in the Showcase Showdown, Shero stops trying to reach Carey’s agent.
12:08 p.m. - Shero, finally ready to focus on hockey again, sits down with his scouts and discusses the trades that have happened thus far. They come to the conclusion that they still have a legitimate chance to make a huge move.
12:28 p.m. - Bob Gainey calls Shero saying something about “unreasonable demands” for Hossa. Shero promptly begins asking about Alexi Kovalev, causing Gainey to hang the phone up and allowing Shero to try Waddell again.
12:45 p.m. - Shero, who has not eaten except for one donut earlier that morning, orders some pizza.
12:53 p.m. - Shero calls Cliff Ferguson and tells him that he can announce the Gill trade.
1:03 p.m. - Don Waddell calls Shero back and asks him what he’s willing to surrender for Marian Hossa. Shero responds, “Dany Sabourin.” The two men debate for 15 minutes until Shero finally reveals that he was just kidding.
1:18 p.m. - “Seriously, though, I’m willing to offer Christiansen, Esposito and our first round pick out of this year’s draft.”
1:25 p.m. - The two men are deep in discussion when Shero’s phone rings. It is Sidney Crosby on the other line wanting to make sure that a trade involving Colby Armstrong has not been set up. Shero assures him that one hasn’t.
1:40 p.m. - Crosby calls back, just making sure. Shero again assures him and then calls Waddell back.
1:50 p.m. - Crosby calls one more time, wanting to make sure that Shero is positive
about that. Shero, who suddenly remembers his promise to Mario in the early hours of the morning, responds by saying he might be working on something and calls Waddell back, offering Armstrong instead of Christiansen.
1:58 p.m. - Waddell considers the offer, but now demands Christiansen and Armstrong. Shero tells him that if he wants both of them, he is really going to need to take Dany Sabourin as well.
2:10 p.m. - After much deliberation, Shero agrees that he will take Sabourin out, but tells Waddell that the Thrashers will need to throw someone else in if Sabourin isn’t part of the deal.
2:15 p.m. - Shero tries to convince Waddell that since Mark Recchi was basically given to them, the Thrashers should view him as being part of the trade. He is somewhat successful.
2:25 p.m. - Waddell asks Shero, “Johan Hedberg . . . No? How about Recchi? . . . Don’t want him back? How about Chris Thorburn? . . . Oh, you already dumped him? Umm, Bobby Holik? . . . Yeah, that -18 rating is pretty rough. … Pascal Dupuis? . . . Great, you’ve got yourself a deal!”
2:36 p.m. - Shero and Waddell agree to wait until 2:59 to announce the trade just to annoy the whole entire hockey world.
2:40 p.m. - Don Cherry calls Shero again, accusing the GM of having lied to him about Hal Gill. Shero tells Cherry that he really needs to buy a new suit and hangs up the phone.
2:43 p.m. - Sidney Crosby calls in to complain about hearing that Armstrong was traded. “You can’t trade my best friend in the whole entire world!” shouts Crosby, who is jumping up and down on the bed in his hotel room. Shero can hear the sound of things breaking in the background and is shouting, “No, Sid, you don’t understand! We got Marian Hossa! To play on your line!” into the phone.
2:58 p.m. - Crosby is finally assuaged and agrees that the deal is good for everyone, at last hanging up the phone. Shero, utterly exhausted, receives a call from Mario saying, “What did I tell you?”
3:05 p.m. - Shero schedules a press conference where a trade that could change the history of the Penguin franchise will be announced.
And you know the story from there, except for the part about how Shero spent the rest of the day fending off calls from his wife and daughter asking him what he thought he was doing trading Colby, of all people. He eventually directed them to Crosby so that the two parties could commiserate together without his having to listen.
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