Be Like Tike

Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 by Adam Wagner

It’s about time . . .

As you all know, Terrelle Pryor is finally going to announce his college decision tomorrow. It’s probably down to Ohio State or Michigan, with Pryor almost certainly choosing OSU (okay, that’s not official, but it is), but here are some other alternatives should Pryor feel like shocking the world:

Pryor announces that he’s entering the Arena Football League. Friday Night Lights’ Smash Williams may have passed up an offer to join the indoor warriors, but Pryor decides that he’ll try to take the Adrian McPherson path to NFL glory and play on the 50 yard field. The short distance allows him to display his true athletic ability as he can fire rockets to receivers that no one has ever heard of, play cornerback as well as quarterback and even catch his own passes (thrown off of the netting at the back of the end zone, of course) in red zone situations. Also, the league has a contract with ESPN meaning that Pryor would receive immediate and constant exposure, replacing Jon Bon Jovi as the league’s resident circus act.
Pryor announces that he’s going to Pitt and has really just been screwing with everyone the entire time. Dave Wannstedt promptly announces that he is going to shave his mustache in honor of the achievement. Bloggers everywhere see their computers explode.
Pryor announces that he is done with sports altogether, instead choosing to follow in the footsteps of Pittsburgh’s own Wiz Khalifa and become a rapper. Khalifa is at the press conference and announces that Pryor has not come up with a rap name yet, but that Jeanette will certainly hold another press conference after he and Khalifa figure it out. Khalifa goes on to announce that he will be producing Pryor’s albums and that Pryor is in “good hands.”
Pryor announces that he is going to follow in the footsteps of fellow former Pitt recruit Herb Pope and New Mexico State (and you thought I was going to write get shot) to play basketball. As for his reasoning, Pryor says that he figured that even bad basketball players get paid about $5 million a year, while he would actually have to be good at football to earn a massive amount of money.
Pryor announces that he is joining Cirque du Soleil as an acrobat after stint in Barnum and Bailey’s, where he is going to be the lion tamer. When asked if he fears for his life at all, Pryor gives the reporter a dead stare and, without saying a word, causes the reporter’s pen to fall out of his hand.
Pryor announces that he is going to search the world for Tupac in order to fulfill one of his childhood dreams of meeting the legend. He cites 7/7/2007 as the most disappointing day in his life because Tupac failed to return and claims that he will find Tupac eventually. Jeanette’s principal tries to wrest the microphone out of his hands before Pryor can finish the announcement, but Pryor simply holds it out of the man’s reach until he feels he has made his point.
Pryor announces that he is going to play basketball in Europe for a year before returning to America to play in the NBA, stating that he can get two years of NBA play in before he is eligible to play in the NFL and that he figures it is the best way of handling his dual-sport skill and earning the most money. Jeanette is promptly overrun by men representing European basketball teams who wear too-tight jeans , drive sport cars and refuse to buy beer if they pay under $10 for it.
Pryor announces that he never once considered going to Canada, stating that playing in the CFL is just too cold for him and that he can’t imagine why Canadians would possibly play football with three downs. Strangely, everyone in the room starts nodding during the announcement, where Pryor ends up pulling out the Ohio State colors and putting them on, thereby ending the Longest Recruiting Process Ever.