Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 by Matt Felser
Steroids are good for you
Steroids and other illegal performance enhancers are a major problem in sports today. Many players are willing to pay significant amounts of money in order to artificially enhance their athletic abilities. Users of these substances fit across the board, from football players to foosball players to the other kind of football players. The users, nee abusers, are given an unfair advantage that only exorbitant sums of cash can buy. This advantage must be curbed in order to maintain the integrity of athletic competition in every form.
Past efforts have proved to be ineffective in restricting the usage of these substances; they are considered illegal by the legislation of each sport’s governing body as well as by federal legislation, yet more people than ever are using them. There is only one viable solution to this impending epidemic: require a strict regimen of steroids and growth hormones to be administered to every single athlete across our fair nation.
Its the only logical course of action. Nullify the advantages gained by those who are willing to violate laws and spend large amounts of money by turning the average athlete into a muscle-bound monster. This will merely raise the bar higher for all athletes while maintaining a proper distribution of talent. Statistical gurus will notice an increase in mean while the standard deviation remains constant. Players will perform at generally greater levels but a noticeable difference will remain between the Alex Rodriguezes and the Nyjer Morgans of the world.
Some players will still be better than others, but everyone will be better than they were before. By starting these treatments in high school and college, while young athletes are still developing mentally and physically, rookies will immediately be ready to play at the next level. Games will be more intense and more exciting, while athletes a better, faster, and stronger than ever – its a win-win situation.
As with every option, there are drawbacks, but they are merely a matter of perspective. To some, shrunken testicles and sterility is a negative. To a globe trotting athlete, however, it means that they will no longer have to worry about out-of-wedlock children and mounting child support payments. If Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry had been on steroids, he would not have fathered nine children to nine mothers in nine different cities. For that matter, child support would not have forced him to file bankruptcy even though he earns more than one million dollars per year. Steroids have the ability to solve more problems than one.
By forcing every player to take steroids, individual players, trainers, and suppliers save money. Players and their trainers no longer have to waste money on needles that they will only use once; instead, they can use the same needle kit to inject an entire team. The steroid suppliers save money because they will no longer need drug mules to bring their goods into the country and then pay to ship them out to each individual client. The newly legal chemicals can be shipped directly to sports teams in one cheap package. Furthermore, the mainstream acceptance of steroids greatly increases the likelihood of new research and development in the field.
More efficient and effective steroids could begin to appear on the market. A new industry could be created around legal steroid production and distribution. While at first glance the legalization and mass distribution of steroids and performance enhancers may appear to be harmful to society, the pros clearly outweigh the cons after closer inspection.
An associate of mine who happens to be involved with Major League Baseball provided me with a typical regimen for a juiced up player. It consists of equal parts “flaxseed oil” and actual flaxseed oil, with a healthy dosage of “the clear” mixed in with “the cream” and some horse tranquilizers with similarly coded names. “The clear” is occasionally difficult to obtain, as it involves harvesting the pituitary glands of recently deceased corpses. It can, however, be easily replaced with more expensive synthetic versions of the substance. This synthetic compound also tastes and smells significantly better than its organic counterpart, so, if the player is willing to cough up the extra cash, it is a viable replacement for the treatment.
A similar regimen should be standardized and prepared for distribution among every professional athlete in the United States of America, with junior sized kits for amateurs and minors. On average, each player will add approximately thirty pounds of muscle and fifteen pounds of body hair, causing each player to be as manly as the next thereby nullifying the gains of any player who took steroids before they were mandated.
As it stands, any player who is willing to break laws and give up large amounts of their salary can receive drugs and hormone treatments that will allow them to compete with even the strongest competition. The simple solution to this problem is to provide similar treatments to the rule-breakers’ competitors, thereby closing the gap and restoring the balance of talent. The negative biological responses to these chemicals are minor drawbacks, and when place in the proper perspective, can be seen as benefits.
As steroids move into the mainstream, it will become more acceptable to place research and development funding into the industry, ultimately lowering the cost of and improving the effectiveness of these treatments. Along with the restoration of competition comes a much appreciated economic boost to the pharmaceuticals industry. Sports will become more entertaining.
Who wouldn’t appreciate a dozen or more home runs in a baseball game to go along with pitchers lobbing the ball over the plate at a breezy 200 miles per hour? The record book will be rewritten ten times over, and as recent events have shown, everyone loves a record chase, even a tainted one. Thus, it must be concluded that the only way to end the problem of illegal steroid use in sports is to not only legalize it, but in fact mandate it. Athletic competition will only be bettered by increased steroid usage.
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